Memoirs of a Hollow Woman
by Sarroush
Summary: The year is X798. The world has burned to the ground. I am writing this to be remembered, as I will undoubtedly perish soon. Though it is a form of self-preservation, I call it selfishness. These papers describe my life. The life of the woman who was once Erza Knightwalker. Spin off and partial sequel to What is Love? More info on the latter statement inside.
1. January X765 - Edolas

**A/N: **Welcome, dear reader, to a spin-off and partial sequel to **What is Love?**

I must emphasis that this is **not** the sequel I have promised you. Yes, this story is connected to **What is Love?** and yes, it takes place a number of years after the fic, but it's not the sequel I've been talking about since December. I have nearly everything figured out for the proper sequel so it should be out after this story is complete. Until then, I hope you can be patient and enjoy reading this.

Also, you aren't obligated to read this to comprehend the upcoming sequel, but it will help you understand a certain character more.

I hope you enjoy. And believe me, you will understand the gibberish above if you stick to the story and read the last chapter once it's out.

**Disclaimer : Fairy Tail and its characters all belong to Mashima Hiro. **

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One might call me a coward. As the world is burning to ashes, I am sitting in a hut, merely writing. You can call me whatever you want. Coward seems to fit nicely. But I do not believe I am one. When you no longer have any reason to fight, when everything you loved and held dear was taken from you, what would you do? Fight back? I am not a fool. When the situation is hopeless, you run. Though I have no reason to really run away anymore. Humans either fight or run when in the face of danger. You fight when you have something, someone, to protect. I lost the one person I would give up my life for. I lost the one person who could ever make me happy. Make me feel loved. Losing the only reason you are alive stops you from caring. That does not make me a coward. I have no reason to risk my life for a world where even if we are victorious, there is nothing to gain. Why should I save this world when the only reason I would ever consider doing so is no longer with me? Say what you will, reader. Lose the only person you hold dear to you, feel the weight of their death, bury yourself in guilt for failing to save them, and then come to me. Come to me and tell me you're going to fight for the world. If one of those creatures finds me, I will not run away. However, that doesn't mean I will just walk out of here and willingly be flayed. On the other hand, it is just these pathetic instincts stopping that from happening.

I have no next of kin. The one I loved had once spoken of children. Had asked if I wanted any. But it was just once. She was never able to ask again. At first I thought she was taken from me. I thought that the gods wanted to punish me for my past crimes. But a part of me knew she was alive. And I was right. Seven years later, I saw her. Alive and well. But that only lasted for a few days. The city burned to the ground, the yelling, the screaming, all of it is still fresh within me. My hand slipped for a fraction of a second, long enough for her to leave my side. I wondered why at first. Why would she leave when she knew she would be safe with me? Why would she leave when she knew I would protect her, no matter what? I hadn't stopped loving her during those seven years. She meant everything to me, and I wasn't ready to lose her. I had gone back with her. I had to catch her, talk sense into her, take her somewhere safe. But I knew, I knew full well she wouldn't change her mind. She wasn't that type of person. But the whys still remained unanswered. Even to this day.

I will not get into the details of how I lost her. Not yet anyways. This story, is it even a story? No. I suppose it's a diary. Or journal. Regardless. I will repeat, I have no next of kin, and as she doesn't either, I feel obliged to write this. Though I must admit my selfishness is clear as day, as most of this will be about me. Is it such a bad thing to want to be remembered? Even if the world ends tomorrow, one day, someone will find these papers. I will make sure they do not turn to dust. And then they'll know. They'll know that a warrior, Erza Knightwalker, once walked this earth. And they'll know of her past, how she was raised, how she lived, what she accomplished. But they will also know of how she failed. How she ran away. They will know everything about her. And they will know about her lover. The short time they spent together that meant everything to her. They will know me.

I must emphasis before I begin, that I could have easily recorded this. I have never been one to write much. My actions are merely a memento of my dead lover. She was an author. I am not awfully fond of books, however, for her sake, I read her drafts. She was an excellent writer, though a bit shy. It just added to her character... Ah. I apologize for the stains on this page. Whenever I think of her, my eyes cannot help but water.

Now then. Where should I begin? I think I will start with my birth and make my way up. Though I obviously cannot recall how it went, Hilda used to talk about it all the time. Oh, that's right. Hilda was a wet nurse. Was she really? Well, she was the head maid, had been forever, and would take care of me and look out for me ever since I could remember. I guess she qualifies. I must admit this is harder than I first thought it would be.

How long ago was this...?

I am now 33 years old. Though I have stopped caring about such an irrelevant thing. The year is X798. Which would mean I was born in X765 of this world. If you need know, I was originally from a world fairly different, yet similar to this one. Edolas, it was called. I will get into the difference once we reach the time when I was 19. I feel as though I am rambling. I might as well start before too many pages are taken from this senselessness.

I will write this as I recall, through Hilda. I implore that you be patient with me. I am not an author, and I am not eloquent in my wording. If you dislike simplicity, then you will be disappointed. At least, I would assume so.

"_January X765 – Edolas_

_My mother Zera, a 26 year old capable warrior, had suddenly fallen ill. For the first two weeks, her husband, Arez, also my father, had no idea what ailed her. She would not eat, barely drink, and felt weak overall. The doctors had said that she might have contracted a disease from traders. But they had no idea as to whatever it could be. _

_My father, a year older than her and a warrior as well, was a very strong but very soft person. People would comment on the irony, given his name. He would pamper her and worry for her constantly. He pulled at his hair trying to figure out what was wrong with her. She had no parents, an orphan of war, taken in by the king because of her skills. His parents had been sceptical of their union. She was of a no-name clan, while he was a Knightwalker. His family had been part of the Royal army for generations. They could have been considered royalty if they so wished it. However, when she had shown them her skills, when she had defeated my grandfather in a battle of swords, she had gained their respect. She had been accepted. Had a new family now. It may not have been through blood, but it was through respect, honour and love. That was all that mattered to both of them. They were happy together and he was not about to lose her. He was not going to lose the one person he had fought so hard for._

_A part of him was very tempted to visit an oracle. They were wish granters. By taking something you held dear to you, they would grant your wish through magic. He never knew if it actually worked or not, but he was ready to take the chance. _

_However, thankfully for him, a few days later, Hilda went to see Zera. My mother had explained her symptoms, and apparently, it had only taken the old maid two seconds to guess what was wrong. Or wasn't, in this case. When she told the female knight that she was pregnant, she couldn't believe it. No one could. They had not bothered to check for signs of pregnancy, because Zera hadn't asked for leave. No one had expected her to be pregnant. Zera could scarcly believe it herself. They hadn't made love in three weeks. It didn't even cross her mind that she could have gotten pregnant from that last time. She was a knight and one of the top two personal guards of the royalty in the palace. She had responsibilities. Being pregnant while on the job would have left both her and the King and Queen vulnerable._

_Luckily for her, the Queen was in a similar situation, and insisted Zera be granted leave. Arez asked for the same, and the King, Faust, reluctantly accepted. Even though the man was one of the best, it would not be wise to have him distracted when on the job._

_As they were both on leave, with very little to do, father began to build a crib. On occasion, they would sit in front of the fire and think of my gender and a name to follow it, while Hilda would bring them something warm to drink. _

_One night in warm May, they were sitting in front of the fireplace. Hilda was with them, sewing clothes while sitting on a chair. Arez had his arms wrapped around his wife's belly and his head on her shoulder, as they were debating baby names. Because my father had eccentric naming skills, my mother was against taking his advice. _

_Their conversation had gone something along the lines of:_

"_Let's take both our names, mix the letters and create a new name!"_

"_I don't mean to burst your bubble darling, but Arez and Zera use the same letters."_

_As my father was a comedian, or at least that's what Hilda would call him, he would exaggerate his disappointment, always giving my mother a smile. If you looked at both of them in their current situation, you wouldn't even begin to guess that they were two of the strongest warriors in their entire country. _

"_Ok. I know! And I don't want your approval!"_

_Raising an eyebrow, she had said, "Go ahead."_

"_Ezra!"_

_According to Hilda, mother had laughed at his proclamation. Ezra, to her and possibly the entire kingdom, was a male name. He wanted to give it to his child regardless of gender, which Hilda had found interesting. _

_In September, when I was supposedly born without any complications, Zera decided to use Arez's idea of mixing their letters together to make him happy. I moved a lot when in her arms and cried nonstop, to which she whispered, "You're quite restless, aren't you?" When Hilda looked to her, she finished, with tears in her eyes, "Erza." "_

And that is a rundown of my birth. To be honest, I am not even sure as to why I wrote about it. It was quite uneventful. I do hope you haven't burned all of this yet. I am only giving key events. Events that shaped me into who I am, or was, and clearly, my birth is of importance as it is where all of this began. If you come up to me and ask me who Erza Knightwalker is, I would say she isn't anyone anymore. She is a shell of her former self. Which isn't wrong. I wrote my birth. By the end of this journal, I may have written my death as well. I guess we will see how far I get with time. In case you're worried, I will not be detailing all my thirty three years. You can breathe.

Oh. That's right. I am writing about my mother who I hated for a great number of years. It was a misunderstanding, but I guess it was dealt with 14 years ago. I will recount it soon. But the time has not come yet. I just found it strange how easily I can think back to these stories and memories. Remember, this is a journey. A process we all go through in our lives. Should I list the ages I wish to talk about? If I do not change my mind. I will try not to. On the other hand, I will allow you to flip through the pages if you really want to find out how many instalments this journal will have, or has, by the time you are reading this.

Now then. The next chapter takes place when I was only five years of age.

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**A/N: **I know. It's very different compared to **What is love?**. In any event, I hope you enjoyed it, and I would not be surprised if you felt confused.

Reviews are welcome. If you have questions, feel free to ask, but I can't promise I'll answer them if they're going to be a spoiler! I'll try my best to give you a spoiler free answer. See you next time!


	2. October X770 - Edolas

**A/N:** So sorry for the long wait. I'm in that place now where I want to write and give you guys new chapters and updates, but at the same time, I just can't be bothered. Summer is getting to me, and I'm not grateful for it. Canada needs a full-on rainy season, since most of my inspiration comes when it's raining! Strange, I know.

In any event, I can't wait to write Erza's teen years. I hope you can put up with kid!Knightwalker for a chapter longer! She'll be hitting puberty soon, so stay tuned!

At some point in the chapter, you'll encounter a spam of = in quotations. It's an unheard dialogue. I can't put underscores because fanfiction just removes most of them ._. The second instance of = spam is explained by Erza.

Enjoy~

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The first time I held a spear was when I was 5. Sure, it was wooden and looked more like a harpoon, but my father had insisted that it was a spear. I was overjoyed. I would fight off flies, bees, squirrels. I would also occasionally fall in mud, giving Hilda more work. I would have said my mother instead of Hilda, but once I hit three, both my parents returned to work so I didn't see them as often as I would have liked. My father occasionally gave me gifts, probably thinking I wouldn't feel lonely or sad. Well, I was a child. You could buy me off for a while but I needed, if not my father, at least my mother. Every night, I would hope she'd come into my room, read a story or sing a lullaby until I fell asleep.

One night, when she finally came back home after 5 days of duty, I asked her to read me a bed time story. I was overjoyed with her return and wanted to spend time with her. This anecdote is a rather pointless one, but I have a need to write about it.

_"October x770. Edolas._

_"Mommy! Come to bed with me!"_

_I was excited to see her return. It had been so long! To my childish sense of time, it had felt like years. I was pulling at her arm as she was taking her armor off. When her sheathed swords dropped to the floor, I had immediately let her go and knelt in front of them, inspecting their beauty. _

_"Erza, don't touch those," she had said with a slight glance in my direction. Of course, being the child I was, I couldn't help but ignore her. I slowly unsheathed the shorter one. Once out, I tried to wield it but it was too heavy. With a big clunk, it fell to the floor._

_Before I could react or look to mother, something sharp hit my face._  
_My mother had slapped me. My cheek was burning and my eyes stung. _

_"What did I just tell you?! Why don't you listen to me?!"_

_Her overreaction hadn't made much sense at the time. What was her problem?! My tears were flowing and I was wiping them as they came. It was the first time she had raised her voice and it was frightening._  
_I thought she would hit me again when she raised her hand, but instead she grabbed my arm and turned it towards her._

_"Oh, Erza! I told you not to touch them!"_

_When I looked to my hand, there was a cut on my palm; probably from the sword. I couldn't help but let out another cry. This time my mother gathered me into her arms and made her way to the washroom. _

_She washed my hand and wrapped it with gauge bandage. Kissing my cheek as a sign of apology she carried me to my room. I was already changed so she put me to bed. She didn't leave; instead, she sat next to me and took my favourite story book from the bed table. It was a story about knights, princesses and dragons. _

_"I'll read until you fall asleep," she had murmured. _

_I loved this book so I promised myself to stay awake as long as I could, because mother rarely, if ever, read to me. _

_She had been reading for two pages when I heard quiet, even breathing and no story or voice. I turned to look at her, hoping for her to continue with the story. However, my mother had fallen asleep and broken her promise._

_For a child, that was worse than being slapped. I grabbed the book from her hands, prompting her to open her eyes. The moment she did and looked towards me, I ran out of the room yelling "I hate you!" It was storming rain outside but I didn't care._

_I slammed into Hilda on my way out the house, and she yelled out my name but I didn't stop. With my little arms and legs, I ran to the northern forest. _

_It felt like a century had passed by the time I found someplace to keep dry. However, there was no point to it as I was drenched from head to toe, not to mention helplessly muddy. Having lost my flops in the forest, I clung tightly to my story book and insulted my mother with the only word I knew, and the only word she hated to hear._

_"Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! Mommy's an idiot!"_

_My eyes stinging with a mix of mud, rain and tears, I opened the smudged and drenched children's book and began to read._

_"On...ce...u...po...n...a...time...t...t...tuh...t ah...no...there was a d...rag...on..."_

_I stopped reading, unable to see the letters properly and frustrated that I couldn't read. I held onto my knees, hugging my book, and whispered into the storm, "Idiot."_

_I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up, I had calmed down, and decided to make my way back home. It wasn't too hard because I hadn't gone too far and had run straight. _

_I assumed no one had gone out to find me, since they would have found me by now. It was also a mistake to assume I hadn't gone off too far. Looking to my right, I saw a slope. I was gratefully that I hadn't fallen there during the night. _

_I slowly made my way back home. After who knows how many hours, I finally ended up in front of my house. I heard silverware and water running. They were home; eating breakfast. They didn't care about me! It was as though nothing had changed!_

_"I should have gone with her!"_

_A slam on the table._

_"Arez...please calm down. If both of you went this would have needlessly become a big deal."_

_"Because it's not?! My daughter is missing! How is that not a big deal?! My only daughter is missing and my wife went to look for her in last night's storm. It's been twelve hours and neither is back! Tell me maid! How is that not a big deal?!"_

_A slap was heard, quieting everyone. All that could be heard for a few seconds was the running water._

_"Forgive me, I didn't mean to offend you."_

_Hilda didn't reply. I didn't care. Mother was missing. My mother was missing and it was because of me. I dropped the book from my hand and ran out to the forest. My father probably heard it because he came out yelling my name. But I didn't turn around. I was exhausted, had blisters and splinters but..._

_"Mommy! Mommy, where are you?!"_

_Missing my footing, I tumbled down the slope. My whole body hurt and I couldn't help it. I cried, loudly. I wanted my mother. _

_"Mommy! Mommy! I'm so sorry! Erza's sorry! Please save me! Mommy!"_

_"Er...za?"_

_A few seconds later, I heard it again. Clearer. But weak._

_"Erza?"_

_"Mommy? Where are you? Is it you?"_

_Hearing tree branches breaking and leaves rustling, I turned my head to the sounds._

_A red haired woman, her hair dishevelled her clothes in tatters, but her expression still strong. She had bags under her eyes, and holding onto a large branch._

_"Baby, Erza. Come here."_

_I ran to her as fast as I could. I fell, face first, when I was nearly in her arms. I wanted to cry again. Though I was a child, I felt sickened at how easily I would shed tears when I had such strong parents._

_My mother slowly moved towards me and I noticed she was using the branch as a walking cane. She slumped down next to me and whispered, "Hey."_

_I wrapped my arms around her and cried even harder. _

_"I never imagined a five year old would be so much work." _

_Before she could touch me, I hid my face in her neck. She held onto me, nuzzling my neck and whispering "It's ok Erza, it's ok. Don't cry baby. I'm here," as she rubbed my back._

_I calmed down a while later. My mother had fallen asleep or so I thought and I wanted to lash out at her. We were finally spending some time together! The nerve she had! Before I could do anything, she gripped me tightly and whispered to be quiet. _

_Her face quickly contorted into one of fear. I didn't even know mother could be afraid of anything._

_"Mommy? Mommy what's wrong? Is it your foot?"_

_"Be quiet."_

_"But mommy!"_

_And then I heard it. The threatening growl. Letting out a loud "Eek!" I held onto my mother very strongly. _

_From the bushes, I heard rustling, until a figure came out on 4 legs. _

_"Wooolf!" I screamed. My mother instinctively held onto me when the wolf let out another growl._

_"Mommy let's run away! It's going to eat us!"_

_"I can't run, Erza. I can barely feel my ankle."_

_"I'll drag you! Come on!" I let go of her and started pulling on her arm. _

_She stayed rooted. She was preoccupied with something else._

_"A female...why is she away from her pack? Where is her alpha?"_

_It dawned on her then that the wolf was pregnant. And possibly left her pack. Was she overthrown?_

_"Erza, stay back. I won't forgive you if you don't."_

_She slowly got up and used her branch to hop closer to the wolf who was snarling now. She sat on the ground some 60 inches away from the creature, threw the branch away and held out her hand. They stayed like that for a good few minutes until the wolf cautiously smelled her._

_"Erza. Wolves aren't those evil violent creatures your books tell you of. Sure, they aren't always nice, but it depends on how you treat them. They just want to protect their pac-"_

_Before she could finish, a new group of growls could be heard. "M-Mommy?"_

_The wolves all pounced towards my mother and the pregnant wolf. The female let out a whimper as she slumped down. My mother glanced at her and muttered a "Dammit!". She tuned towards the incoming wolves and in the blink of an eye they all fell to the ground._

_"Mommy...? What was that?"_

_She looked to me and said clearly, "Erza. You have to promise me that you'll keep what you just saw a secret."_

_I wasn't even sure what I had seen._

_"Eeeh?! Whyy?! It was so-"_

_"Promse me!" She raised her voice. I nodded and mumbled that i promised._

_She turned to the wolf who was breathing unevenly. Ruffling her head she told her she'd take care of her. Though I was slightly repulsed by the whole birthing process, I found it equally fascinating._

_When the cub was born, it drank its mother's milk as my mom told me to go fetch water from the close by lake, in a small wooden container. When I got back, she drank a quick sip and gave the rest to the ex-female alpha who she deemed needed it more. She patted next to her when she slowly crawled to the nearest tree, indicating I sit next to her. She wrapped her arm on my side and brought me closer. The moment my head rested on her chest, I felt excruciatingly tired._

_"Forgive me, my daughter," I heard her speak but my exhaustion was quickly taking over. "I've been working constantly, but there is a justified reason. I won't let any harm come to you or this kingdom. And that means I have to guard the King and Queen first. Of course, it would be better if this war didn't go through, but I have no power in the politics of it all. I wonder...would you have preferred being born there?"_

_"Where is... there?" I let out, the other parts not being as important._

_"=================="_

_ I had fallen asleep. By the time I woke up, we were back home and apparently I had bathed. My mother was in my room, skimming through the unusable book._

_"I'll buy you a new one, my sweet."_

_I hadn't said anything. I was trying to remember what she had said about that other place. I was going to ask again but she came to bed and wrapped herself around my small body. _

_"The wolf and her cub will be fine."_

_I nodded and closed my eyes as I fell asleep in her warmth."_

I find it highly strange that I remember this so well. I don't see how it's even possible. Maybe I unknowingly drank some memory increasing potion or ate some strange magical mushroom in these past few days.

Now that I think back on it, I have suspicions about my mother. She might have been a mage. Wait... Well obviously, with those two powerhouse katanas. But I mean I think she was from Earthland. Farfetched I know, but she didn't have weapons on her when the wolves attacked. She didn't have any amulet either. And she made me promise not to talk about it... Well it's not important anymore. She's in Edolas and it's not like I'll be seeing her again. She's probably an old hag by now too.

Also, the wolf and her cub followed our scent and came to our house some months later. Must've had a keen sense of smell. The wolf became my mother's companion for a few years. It's funny now that I think about it. She had named her Grandine. Apparently that was her adoptive mother's name. I met a Grandine, nine years ago. She was a dragon. Ha. I met a dragon. How strange that I'm talking as though it's a common occurrence. Well, if you peek outside, it most certainly is. The world is being overrun by dragons.

However, that is of no importance to me. Wendy Marvell was the sky dragon slayer right? And Grandine was her dragon. Ha! My mother was a dragon slayer? Erza, you must've drunk a bit more than you thought. If that were true...If that were true... IF THAT WERE TRUE! FATHER WOULDN'T HAVE DIED! HE-========================================

Oh. Ink spilled. Well it's of no concern. This memoir is not to insert my rage in. Ignore the occasional black splotches.

In any event, a year later, war took place and we lost good men and women, along with our greatest possession, magic. That was also the year both my and my father's bodies succumbed to an incurable illness.

Now that I think about it, it's strange that mother wasn't sick. The blot probably healed herself with her voodoo magic. I don't actually hate her you know, despite the hateful remarks. But realizing she may have had the ability to heal both of us drives me mad. On the other hand, I'm angrier at myself for my failures.

I no longer feel like writing. But I guess I must, as I hate to leave things unfinished. I have a necklace. I had given it to Lucy. Now, the stone is shattered but a piece of blue still hangs from it. This one piece of jewellery I had given her as a present came back to me 14 years ago. A few months after I gave it to her actually. At first, I took it as a sign that she wasn't coming back. But then, an event happened that convinced me she'd return. But I will recount that another day. Please don't ask the relevance this necklace or what I just wrote has with the previous anecdote. I just...I often times think back to what I shared with her, and I guess it will keep coming out like so, bit by bit.

I'm not going to go into the details of what happened when we found out we were both sick. Instead, I'm jumping to 4 years after the war, when I was 10.

X775, the year I killed my father.

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**A/N:** Thanks for reading. I have to admit, Kid!Walker is pretty annoying. It's fine though. The point of this spin-off is to see how she's evolved over 33 years.

In any case, review if you feel like it. I hope you enjoyed it and if not, do let me know why.


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